Sunday, April 23, 2017

I break someone's heart

Let tonight denotes what emotionally unintentionally happening
Aku tak sengaja ok T_____T I feel so baddd and then I screenshot lagi lah baddd

I don't know what to do. I just hate to puzzle up my mind so I want to unwind this.

My feelings?
Throughout all this time, it doesn't come to my attention that he is going to let this go and I pretend everything that he gave me is just being kind between colleagues, cause he never said as such. I mean, how could that possibly be?? Well, even if he does, I knew it won't work. But this time, is quite different.
Now he blew this up on my face, I feel guilty that I didn't prepared for this.
Even if I did, I could be so cruel. Even what I have said to him just now, I think that is very polite of me enough yet it burst him into tears. What else can I say.
I also burst into tears when a guy praised me as such.
It is not like it never happened before, but maybe I am in the middle of needing to hear this. Because what happened lately was critics that I had which I took it very serious and deep although it was a small piece of trash talk, cause I'm a very sensitive person. hah

Finally, this is what comes to my mind.
I don't like him. I don't feel the same way as he does, because I like somebody else, yet maybe I turned out to be broken heart too, the guy that I like may not like me the way I do. So I keep this shut once I did a reality check; I'm no good for such great guy I'm hoping for, he deserves better.
So looking at the opportunity now and what I want from a marriage is just to raise a khalifah. If I turned out to be a single mom, I could be successful too. Jauh sangat eh fikir?
Or maybe I'm trying to find out making things simple and easy for everyone.
That comes to my mind that, probably Allah send me this kind of man to test me out?
A guy who I don't want, but maybe that I need? or the guy that need me? I believed he has a lot more to go before getting married, thus I was thinking it is my job to help him be great, the way that I believe?
Well, Life is always a test. Marriage is a part of life. It could turn out to hell and happy, well that it is what it is.

Yet, a big part of me says, It is better to be alone than being with somebody you're not comfortable enough for the rest of your life. (but how do you know you will not happy for the rest of your life??)
Is it my job to care his feelings? I'm trying not to care. Oh my God, I feel so cruel.
But he has to face the fact isn't?
He has to.
I can only apologise that I can't fulfill his wish,
Yet I wish he could be with someone who will love him the way he does.
Love cannot me forced. Cinta tak boleh dipaksa.
Marriage is about love. Isn't?
Once we truly love each other, then it comes responsibility to take care of each other.
So before I come to that point, I have to be responsible to myself.
And you too have to be responsible with yourself, everything including your feelings.
I believe, it is not my responsible to take care of your feelings.
Life will always hit you hard brother.
Face it.
I am also facing almost the same thing.
We have to be strong.
When we cry, it is because we choose to cry, not because anyone else's faults.
No one to blame for what we chose to act.
I hope I have done my job to let people who come and go in my life, learned something valuable
for the rest of your journey.

Bon Voyage !

Wow I wrote this nice, kopipes send to him !

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