Monday, April 24, 2017

My Parents on Love

[from previous posts]

Everything about love, I told my Mama first before my Ayahanda.
Lady-to-Lady conversation.
And it turned out, I'm not happy with it.

Because I think Mama want to see me getting married faster with someone that is SOLEH (in her view).
Yet I was confused, because if I denied to follow her wish, it will turn out to be a curse to me. T_T
I mean, really. It happens a lot. Bala gila kalau tak ikut cakap mama.
Something bad out of my mind could happen macam tak percaya it happened.
So whatever Mama say, it can be scary to me kalau tak achieve her wishes. grr

Finally tadi just had a conversation together Mama dan Ayahanda.

"Ni ayah, si Siti ni, budak yang bagi hadiah tu memang betul-betul nak ke dia"

"Kamu tengok lah kamu rasa macam mana, sesuai ke tak. Perkahwinan campur lain budaya ni kang takut macam-macam tak kena. Apa yang tak betul bagi kita, betul bagi dia lah, itu tak kena lah ini tak kena lah.
Walaupun sama agama, tapi budaya (cara hidup) berbeza pun payah juga.
Itu yang Islam kata biar sekufu."

Aku dah angguk-angguk, "Itu yang dedek tolak baik-baik dah"

"Bapa dia ulama' ye dek? Tengok tu, baik dah orangnya, kenapa nak tolak"

Ayah 'backup' aku :p
"Tak ada lah. Penguasaan agama ni memang melalui AlQuran dan Hadith semua tu, tapi tak nak lah satu hari nanti, apa-apa jadi, dia gunapakai hujah agama, bukan hujah budaya (common sense / cara hidup)."

WINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

Sekarang aku wish yang wish mama dilupuskan! Aku harap mama berubah harapan!
Mama, if it about my happiness you are worried about,
I believed I will be more than happy if I stay alone than being with someone I don't love for the rest of my life.
Please be happy for me as happy as I am now

My Life, My Decision, My Happiness, ALL ON ME.
My Decision, My Risk, My Responsibility.

Kita kekal faham, Mama kita cuma tak nak kita sedih sahaja

Shifting the view of 'Love'

From my previous post, I posted my problem in a group of family angkat (?) that I could ask for help to answer my question. There are plenty of answers from different people. Thanks guys!
Following is the answers that is nice to think about before making a decision



Yes, I LOVE THIS, CHARACTER FIRST ! Agama boleh belajar sama-sama

My thank you reply that might not be important?? so the size shrink a bit hahee


And then I meet this video



Great, I found 'everything' in a day about shifting my view about what Love is about.
What happened yesterday benefits me as well

As much as brave to express our feelings, we have to be brave enough to take the possible risk of being rejected. I gotta learn that.

Sunday, April 23, 2017

I break someone's heart

Let tonight denotes what emotionally unintentionally happening
Aku tak sengaja ok T_____T I feel so baddd and then I screenshot lagi lah baddd




I don't know what to do. I just hate to puzzle up my mind so I want to unwind this.

My feelings?
Throughout all this time, it doesn't come to my attention that he is going to let this go and I pretend everything that he gave me is just being kind between colleagues, cause he never said as such. I mean, how could that possibly be?? Well, even if he does, I knew it won't work. But this time, is quite different.
Now he blew this up on my face, I feel guilty that I didn't prepared for this.
Even if I did, I could be so cruel. Even what I have said to him just now, I think that is very polite of me enough yet it burst him into tears. What else can I say.
I also burst into tears when a guy praised me as such.
It is not like it never happened before, but maybe I am in the middle of needing to hear this. Because what happened lately was critics that I had which I took it very serious and deep although it was a small piece of trash talk, cause I'm a very sensitive person. hah

Finally, this is what comes to my mind.
I don't like him. I don't feel the same way as he does, because I like somebody else, yet maybe I turned out to be broken heart too, the guy that I like may not like me the way I do. So I keep this shut once I did a reality check; I'm no good for such great guy I'm hoping for, he deserves better.
So looking at the opportunity now and what I want from a marriage is just to raise a khalifah. If I turned out to be a single mom, I could be successful too. Jauh sangat eh fikir?
Or maybe I'm trying to find out making things simple and easy for everyone.
That comes to my mind that, probably Allah send me this kind of man to test me out?
A guy who I don't want, but maybe that I need? or the guy that need me? I believed he has a lot more to go before getting married, thus I was thinking it is my job to help him be great, the way that I believe?
Well, Life is always a test. Marriage is a part of life. It could turn out to hell and happy, well that it is what it is.

Yet, a big part of me says, It is better to be alone than being with somebody you're not comfortable enough for the rest of your life. (but how do you know you will not happy for the rest of your life??)
Is it my job to care his feelings? I'm trying not to care. Oh my God, I feel so cruel.
But he has to face the fact isn't?
He has to.
I can only apologise that I can't fulfill his wish,
Yet I wish he could be with someone who will love him the way he does.
Love cannot me forced. Cinta tak boleh dipaksa.
Marriage is about love. Isn't?
Once we truly love each other, then it comes responsibility to take care of each other.
So before I come to that point, I have to be responsible to myself.
And you too have to be responsible with yourself, everything including your feelings.
I believe, it is not my responsible to take care of your feelings.
Life will always hit you hard brother.
Face it.
I am also facing almost the same thing.
We have to be strong.
When we cry, it is because we choose to cry, not because anyone else's faults.
No one to blame for what we chose to act.
I hope I have done my job to let people who come and go in my life, learned something valuable
for the rest of your journey.

Bon Voyage !

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Wow I wrote this nice, kopipes send to him !

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Single Mom

I don't know but I think I could sense myself that there is a high probability I'm going to be a single mom. Be it married or not married, I could be a single mother in the future in anyways. Looking at myself now being all by myself wherever whenever in any situations, I realised that I am not able to let myself rely or hope for anyone else. Maksud aku, Tuhan je tempat pergantungan harapan. Manusia tidak boleh diharap.
So this song touches me so deep that it could rock my life, although it is quite sad bila dengar lagu ni. Yup, that is life. Rockabye

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Kemampuan dalam kemahiran

Skil Kemahiran

Aku tahu aku mampu buat macam-macam perkara

Tapi dengan masa yang ada, cerita yang tak panjang, kematian yang menghampiri separa urat,
kemahiran mana patut aku tekankan.

Dan dah tak ada masa untuk berlegar-legar,
manusia semakin kesuntukan,
sebab tu kita kena kekal dengan misi hidup,
hidup untuk apa

Jika aku hidup untuk bermanfaat buat manusia lain,
Aku harus cepat-cepat asah kemahiran yang betul-betul dapat manfaat manusia lain
bukan untuk keuntungan sendiri

So he likes me?

[23/12/2015]

I don't have that instinct or six-seven-eight-sense to smell whether a person likes me or not.

Bahasa cinta ni aku selalu minta tolong kawan aku sorang ni. Padahal bila pikir balik, perlu ke aku fikir sangat apa perasaan dia pada aku? Macam mana kalau prediction member ni salah? I hate to predict sebenarnya.

Bagi aku, selagi dia tak cakap "Aku suka kau", selagi tu lah aku anggap sebagai kawan, dia nak tanya pasal makan aku dah ke belum, sihat ke tak, tu semua bagi aku soalan biasa yang dia saje nak tahu. So aku jawab je lah. Dia nak jumpa, then jumpa je lah.

Yang bagi orang lain, tu maknanya aku layan dia, tandanya aku pun suka dia lah. *facepalm lah bagi aku sebab aku tak paham celah mana suka tu.
Lepastu, bila aku 'layan' walhal sebenarnya aku tak suka pun dia, orang suruh aku tinggalkan macam tu je (kau tak rasa kejam ke ignore je macam tu?). So kalau aku terus 'layan', aku dah mula rasa bersalah dah ni. Dan perlu ke aku rasa salah ni? Bukan salah aku kot, bukannya aku/dia declare apa-apa pun.

Serabut lah fikir apa yang orang fikir pasal kita. Sebab tu wahai manusia sekalian, pentingnya bercakap jujur.
Cakap je lah nak kenal-kenal dulu,
Aku take words directly apa yang orang tu cakap.
_________________________________________________________________________________
So what? Let's be naive?
No, just focus on being yourself and focus on your life. All these things are distracting and destructive to you.
So how? No need to think about it, throw it out from your mind lol

Like my sister said, be friends with EVERYONE


Rasa

Mampu ke kita untuk tidak merasakan apa-apa?

Boleh kah Tuhan izinkan aku untuk tidak merasakan apa-apa?

Sebab asalnya, perasaan menciptakan harapan. dan harapan takut menjadi palsu.

Bahkan kita selalu merasakan untuk memiliki rasa antara dua.
Contohnya, sedih atau gembira. Kita memilih untuk menjadi antara terlalu sedih atau terlalu gembira.
Walaupun kita cuba untuk memilih berada di pertengahan, tetap kita mencipta pengharapan dan sangkaan seterusnya.

Maka dengan itu, boleh ke aku memilih untuk merasa apa-apa, seterusnya tiada harapan dan sangkaan apa-apa.

Justeru, dapatlah aku melakukan tugas sebagai manusia kepada manusia, dan sebagai manusia kepada Tuhannya.

Macam robot pula

Aku diproses dari kilang mana pula nih