Thursday, January 21, 2016

Tak Nak Kahwin ?

Dulu sebenarnya aku lah yang paling gian nak kahwin awal.
Five times relationship experience (termasuk cinta monyet zaman sekolah rendah).
Nothing to regret except the latest one.
I was fell for a very 'good alim kopiah' guy who was so so so tawadhuk zuhud nya and so 'islamic' lah.
After a year, I have to pretend like nothing happen, because full of regrets. to story about that? I don't mind, but it was too complicated which I don't know where to start.
So, I stop looking for partner-for-lifetime, because I don't know what I want from it.

I have mama dan ayahanda, A big family and friends.

Why would I need a boyfriend? Why should I get married?

If last time, nak kahwin sebab nak halalkan hubungan and nak bahagia, I just realised it was wrong (not enough),
cause now, I don't have any reasons why I should get married. Instead, I have big reasons why I should not get married, or why I should not give a damn about that.
I already have everything that I need.
And if I need a husband, Allah will send me one. why should I worried kan?

Mama dah worried,
rasa nak kahwin supposed to be a fitrah as a human.
Tapi aku di sini tidak menyalahkan rasa jatuh cinta, ya, aku jatuh cinta selepas lima kali bercinta itu,
tapi tidak sehingga tahap nak kahwin, nak dekat dengan dia, rilek rilek kawan as kawan biasa sudah lah kan.
Chill, I still like boys, love guys, aku bukan lesbian.

Aku cuma dah hilang gian nak kahwin. Dan rasa tiada keperluan kahwin.

Saban hari ini, aku bersedih,
aku seakannya baru sedar, terjawab soal mengapa harus aku menikah.
Mengapa perlu aku mempunyai pasangan hidup.
Mengapa aku perlukan seorang suami.

Rupanya, bukan semua orang betul-betul boleh jaga kita.

Mama ayahanda, dah tua, mana dah nak dengar telatah aku, cerita aku.
Mereka sedang kembali menjadi 'bayi', yakni aku lah pula yang harus mendengar mereka menyuap menatang mereka.

Adik-beradik pula, sedang ada keluarga sendiri. Tapi kadang-kadang, adik beradik sendiri tak faham kita betul-betul. Bukannya tidur sebantar sekatil. Masa semua kecil lain, dah besar lain.

Kawan-kawan lagi lah, ramai, rapat, tapi belum tentu boleh jadi penawar hati.
Cerita sini, diceritakannya pada sana.
Aku tak suka benda kecil diperbesar-besarkan. Atau aku sebenarnya tak suka sesiapa tahu fikiran aku melainkan orang yang betul-betul aku boleh. Tapi aku tak ada orang macam tu.

And yes, now, i feel like, literally have no one to hear me.
Everything I keep to myself.
And Allah.

Sekarang baru aku rasa, menikah itu benarlah sunnah, membina masjid mendekatkan lagi kepada Allah taala.

Bak kata Amitabh Bachchan dalam movie Piku (2015):
"Perkahwinan tanpa sebab adalah IQ rendah"

Now, I see the huge reasons why and I want to get married, but who?

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